The Story-Telling Turtle

Dear readers of The Story-Telling Turtle,

If you have a nice, cool, random or funny story that you want to share with us and the world, feel free to post it in your comment, and I will add your story to this page, with credits to you (except if you don’t want to be credited).

The Turtle Called Turtle

Once upon a time, there was a turtle who’s name was Turtle. He liked to call himself Turtle, and so did the other animals of the sea. He lived for 150 years, always known as Turtle. In his passport stands Turtle, the Turtle. Which would be true, if a turtle (except then the Holy Turtles) could have a passport. Which they don’t. So he didn’t have a passport, so he hated himself. Then he committed suicide with a sponge and a grain of sand. That was the sad end of this story.

Fred and the coin

Once upon a time, there was a man called Fred. Fred sold hotdogs in the park, until one day he found a penny. It was a magic penny, and it told him: ‘You may make three wishes, thy faggot priest.’ Fred asked: ‘Why did you call me a faggot priest?’ and the penny answered: ‘Because I can.’ But Fred responded with: ‘Law of Suitability: that you COULD, doesn’t necessarily mean you SHOULD.’ As you can probably imagine, the penny didn’t like this and vaporized Fred. And that was the end of poor Fred… Wait… What’s that? Hey, it’s the penny! ‘Hmm… He didn’t make three wishes yet. So I think I’ll resurrect him.’ The penny mumbled something in an ancient, forgotten language, and there was Fred again! And this is what Fred said: ‘Phew, now I can brush my teeth before I die!’ which was a completely random sentence, but Fred liked it, so he said it. Then he noticed the penny. ‘Cool, it’s a penny! Wait, there something with this penny… Hmm… O wait, this is the penny that vaporized me! And didn’t it tell me I could make three wishes?’ The penny then said: ‘Dude, will you STFU already?’ ‘Ok, ok, ok…’ The penny said: ‘Now… Make three wishes.’ Fred said: ‘Ok, first wish: a glass of water. Second wish: a piece of bacon. Third wish: disappear.’ Because the magic penny thought these wishes were quite boring, he decided to give his personal “touch” to the wishes. He gave Fred a HUGE glass of purple water. Then, he gave him a peace contract made out of bacon. And finally, he disappeared, but he left a black hole. Fred was sucked in, his hotdog stand was sucked in, a tree was sucked in and then the whole world exploded because of a terrorist attack.

Edward’s Experience with the Holy Turtle

Once upon a time, there was a not so smart man called Edward. Edward planted apple trees. One day, while Edward was walking on his land, he saw a flying turtle. He thought “OMG I want to have that turtle.” So he ran off into the desert to get a net.
The turtle, on the other hand, wasn’t just a flying turtle, no… Actually, he was a holy flying turtle. And believe me: holy flying turtles are smart. Very smart. He knew Edward wanted to catch him. The turtle got a sword from a stone nearby, and then he waited…
Ten minutes later, Edward returned from the desert with a net. He tried to catch the turtle with it, but the turtle just cut his way out of the net with the sword. Edward saw that this method wasn’t going to work, so he ran off again…
The flying turtle followed Edward into the desert, and then into Edwards house. He saw that Edward got a sword from a closet, so he stole Edward’s television and ran. The turtle suddenly realised it wasn’t necessary for him to run, because he could fly (after all, he was a holy turtle). So he rose from the ground and flew away to another planet.
Edward ran back to his apple tree place, where he first saw the turtle. When he was halfway there, he realised that he forgot to take the sword with him, so he turned back.
Ten minutes earlier (Edward used the time travel machine in his basement) he arrived at his apple tree place, stabbed the turtle and ate him. But the super-holy turtle in heaven, who rules us all, didn’t like this, so he killed Edward using a flying supersonic carrot. Then he resurrected the holy turtle, who watched television for the rest of his life.

The beginning

This is the story about the beginning of… Well, everything. First, there was nothing but chaos. Then, God and the super-holy turtle arose from the chaos and made order. They created the world, the trees, the animals and the rocks, the stones and the mountains, the planets and the stars. Then, God made men, and the super-holy turtle made turtles and holy turtles. They lived peacefully for a long time, until one day, a meteorite hit our planet. It killed two men and a turtle. The super-holy turtle laughed about this, and he thought that it was quite funny that the meteorite killed two men but just one turtle. God got very angry about that and he killed a turtle by dropping a rock on it. Because the super-holy turtle couldn’t just let that happen, he killed a female by shooting her with a flying supersonic carrot. A war broke out between humans and (holy) turtles. Many were killed in this war that devastated the world that they knew. Finally, some 400 years later, a turtle named Tommy killed the last human. The super-holy turtle was then able to banish God to another universe. Tommy was promoted to holy turtle. Three million years later, the super-holy turtle allowed god to place some new humans on our planet, but only if he promised to do no harm to the turtles. And that is how humans and turtles now live in peace and harmony together.

Carl and the space cake

Once upon a time there was a man named Carl. Carl worked in an indian restaurant. One day, a man walked in and asked for a space cake. Carl was certain that they didn’t have any space cake, so he asked the man where he could get a space cake. The man told him to find out for himself. As Carl was a very good waiter, he asked the man to wait in there and then he walked out of the restaurant, meanwhile wondering where he could get a space cake. He thought it best to start in the coffee shop across the street, so he went there and asked if they had space cake, or if they didn’t have it, if they knew where he could get some of the stuff. The man behind the counter told him: “Sorry man, we only sell coffee. You can maybe get some at the gardener’s shop”. So Carl took off for the gardening shop! Once there, he found out they sold very, very, VERY much, but space cake wasn’t one of things that were sold there. Because he wanted to buy something, he bought a little plush bear (that wasn’t really plush, but Carl didn’t know that… Yet…) and went on to other shops. He asked in the Ikea, he went to the barber and he even looked for space cake in the office supplies shop, but it was no use: none of them had it. At long last, he sat down on a bench in the park, because he really didn’t know what to do anymore… The super-holy turtle was quite amused with this display of not-knowing where to go, so he sent a holy turtle to abduct Carl and bring him to Mars.
Carl suddenly found a turtle flying towards him, abducting him and dropping him off at Mars. There, the plush bears suddenly came to life and walked towards a cave. Carl followed the bear, as there wasn’t much else he could do. In the cave, there were 3 things: a table, a space cake (on the table) and a television. If it wasn’t for the fact that there was a little sign sticking in the cake saying “Space cake” Carl would never have known that it was a space cake. The plush bear that wasn’t really plush then turned on the television, pushed a weird button on the remote control and disappeared. Carl was stunned for a moment, and then he took a closer look at the television; he noticed that there was a sticker on it saying “to teleport, push weird button”. So Carl took the second remote control that was there (because the bear had taken the first one), pushed the weird button and found himself inside the kitchen of the indian restaurant, with the space cake in one hand and the remote control in his other. He walked into the restaurant itself and gave the cake to the man who had asked for it. Then, he teleported himself to an investigation place, sold the remote for millions and millions of dollars, quit his job and had a long and happy life. And the man who ordered the space cake… Well… He thought it was so funny that his space cake was from Mars, that he jumped into a river and tragically drowned. How sad.